Misunderstanding
by harrypottergleek97
Summary: Phan, hope you enjoy it.
1. Chapter 1

**Misunderstanding **

**Chapter one **

**Dan's realisation **

He sat at his desk, editing his latest video, but he was distracted. Phil had gone out, and Dan found that he could never concentrate when he wasn't there. He was always wondering what he was doing, where he was, when he would be home. He constantly found his eyes straying away from the computer, looking towards the window. He found himself stopping, his ears straining, trying to hear Phil approaching the door. He sighed and closed down the video. It wasn't any good anyway, the only interesting thing that had happened since his last upload was his sort-of-acceptance, which wasn't exactly something he could talk about. It was all he wanted to talk about.

He wasn't sure when it started, but he knew when he became consciously aware of it… sort-of. He had been reading a Phan-fiction, he couldn't remember which. He and Phil read them sometimes for a laugh, although Dan never seemed to find it as funny as Phil. This fan fiction he had been reading was one of the better ones, that weren't just gravitating around sex. In the story, he had Phil had been playing a video game, when Dan lost. He went into one of his pretend sulky moods, but all he… I guess me…. Was sulking about was that he didn't know how to tell Phil that he loved him without making things awkward. As Dan read it, he felt a ring of truth. For some reason lately, he had been careful what he said, and the way he acted around his best friend. He worried he'd do something wrong, something that what make their friendship awkward, and he just couldn't let it happen. He couldn't ruin one of the best things in his life; he couldn't bear the thought of the startling, clear green eyes turning away from him. But why would they? How would Dan make anything awkward between him and his best friend? Then Dan had realised. He could make things awkward by admitting to the feelings he was just realising. By admitting to the fact that he somehow knew the exact contours of Phil's face, the exact colour and shape of his eyes, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled his beautiful smile. Beautiful. And he realised, he was in love.

He guessed he must have known for a while, because the realisation didn't shock him. That had been about three months ago, and he had tried to carry on as though nothing had happened. Sometimes he worried that Phil might see him staring into space, might notice how distracted he was. But if he did, he didn't say anything. Dan was improving now though, he had worked through it. He used to deny it to himself. He didn't feel that way about Phil, he couldn't, that would be wrong. They were best friends! But then his thoughts would drift to how amazing his best friend was. How kind, funny and caring he was. Dan smiled at one of his favourite memories, from when they had just moved to London. They had been wandering through London, neither of them knowing what they were going to do next, Dan not really caring anymore. They stumbled across a hedgehog. It was injured, Dan suspected it would had been hit by a car. He knew they was no hope for it, it could barely move. When Phil saw it, he crouched down, and when he spoke it was in a devastated tone. "Awww, poor thing." Dan smiled slightly and Phil looked up, eyes wide. Dan knew what was coming next and sure enough…

"Can we keep it?"

Dan had been against it at first. It could have had any disease, and it was going to die no matter what, but Phil wouldn't accept it. He was desperate to bring it home and care for it, had some crazy idea about releasing it into the wild. Dan finally agreed, only because Phil genuinely looked like he was about to cry. He wrapped it up in his favourite hoodie, getting it covered in blood, and carried it gently back to the flat. He liberated one of Dan's many shoe boxes and made it a little nest in there. He wasn't sure what hedgehogs ate, be he discovered his little buddy was pretty happy with cheerio's. He talked to it, he tried to play with it, and he spent so much time trying to nurse it back to health. It died after 2 weeks, and Phil was so sad, it hurt Dan to look at him. The hedgehog may have died, but it had the best 2 weeks of its life with Phil.

Dan had been having the best time of his life with Phil too. Eventually he got over the denial, and reached the point he was at now. Ignorance. He knew how he felt, but he didn't think about it. He played make believe for everyone, never showing what was going on his head. He tried not to think about it. And he was managing. No one knew, not his fans, his friends, his family. What would he say? "Oh hi guys, im gay? Because he wasn't. He wasn't interested in girls, sure. But he wasn't interested in boys either; he was only interested in Phil. There was only Phil, and somehow, Dan knew there would only ever be Phil. Telling people… that would probably go something like "Im gay. Well not really gay, I just don't like any girls. I don't really like many boys either. Just one. While im at it, it's my best friend. I love him, he's amazing. So, how was your weekend?". No, he couldn't tell anyone, but at least he knew. He knew he was in love with Phil, and that's all that mattered, wasn't it?


	2. Chapter 2: Phils confusion

**Chapter 2 **

**Phil's confusion **

Phil watched Dan out of the corner of his eye as he edited his video. Phil had noticed that he had been quiet distracted recently, and he was hoping he was just tired. Of course he was, if he was worried or upset about something, he'd tell him wouldn't he? He knew he could trust him; they'd been best friends for ages. Phil tried to relax, he was getting better. Sure, he was still a bit distracted, and sometimes Phil would notice him just staring into space, but he was talking. He was doing stuff, he smiled and it didn't seem fake. Phil remembered him at his worst, when he would come home after being out for 6 hours and Dan would be in the same position Phil had left him in, the coffee Phil made him before he left, untouched, cold beside him. The minute Phil entered he would lurch into action, put the coffee down the sink, or get his laptop, but his face was blank and Dan wouldn't look at him.

Who was Phil kidding? He knew there was something wrong with Dan, and it wasn't just tiredness. It was like his personality, his aura, his happy warmth that always surrounded him was gone. He didn't talk, no matter what Phil did to try and start conversation. He walked in one day with his trade mark whiskers drawn on his face and Dan didn't even seem to notice. Phil couldn't figure out what had caused it, nothing had happened as far as he was aware. One day he was fine, joking around and playing Sonic, and the next, he was staring into space. Phil was trying to give him space, hoping he would tell him what was wrong when he was ready. If he would just tell him, Phil could help. This had made him realise there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for Dan, if it would make him happy again. He could ask him, and he had considered doing so on many occasions but decided against it. He didn't want to force Dan into anything, it might make it worse. Anyway, things had been weird between him and Dan lately. Phil felt as though Dan didn't want to look at him, be near him or speak to him. Phil almost felt as though he had left. He felt lonely, even when they were in the same room. He missed his Dan, the Dan he had been so close to, the Dan who was unique. He missed he unique friendship and the warm, fuzzy, safe feelings that went with it.

Wait. Feelings?


	3. Chapter 3: Concern and regret

**Chapter 3 **

**Concern and regret **

Phil was looking at Dan who had been curled up on the sofa for a while. He got up from his place on the floor and walked over to the x-box to turn it off. He decided he'd had enough; he and Dan were going to have to talk sometime, no matter how much Phil didn't want to. He walked slowly to the sofa, and Dan glanced up at him quickly before staring at the floor. He moved his legs closer to his body so Phil could sit down. Phil sat down and waited for Dan to put his legs over him like he always had done, but he kept them tightly tucked up by his side. Phil sighed loudly, and Dan glanced at him again. When Dan said nothing Phil said "Whats wrong Dan?" Dan stared at his hands and replied quietly "Nothing". Phil wanted to laugh, did Dan really think he hadn't notice. Did he really think he'd give up that easily? He reached forward slightly and squeezed Dan's arm gently, in what he hoped was a reassuring way. "What ever it is you can tell me, we're best friends!" Phil exclaimed, slightly worried that Dan wouldn't look at him. Dan looked up slightly, staring at Phil's hand on his arm. He stood up quickly and Phil asked in a slightly worried, slightly shocked tone "Dan?". Dan moved his hair into his eyes and muttered "Just leave me alone". He didn't shout, he didn't sound angry, but it still scared Phil. He sounded dull, like he had given up, like he wasn't Dan anymore. Dan who was so happy, who was energetic constantly. Dan walked to his room shutting the door. Phil sat still for a moment, still trying to process what had just happened, then he realised what he had to do. Dan had completely changed; whatever he was upset about was affecting him that much. It made Phil angry. He wanted to stop whatever was hurting his Dan, whatever had turned his Dan from sweet to this. Phil was his friend, and Dan needed him more than ever now, that was clear. He wasn't going to force himself on him now though, so he got up and walked towards Dan's bedroom door. When he got there, he sat on the floor, his back leaning against Dan's door. He waited a moment, and then just said simply "Im here". There were so many meanings behind those words. He was outside the door, he was there for Dan, he wasn't going to leave.

Dan stared at Phil's pale had against his arm. That one touch was enough to send him crazy, his mind into over drive. He couldn't let this happen. Before he knew it, he was in his bedroom, lying on his bed. He couldn't do what Phil wanted, he couldn't get close again. The distance he had put between them was the smallest possible, but he couldn't cope with being any closer. He couldn't risk it. It would hurt too much. Then he heard Phil's sweet, lovely voice from outside his door. "Im here." Those simple words, but they meant so much to Dan. He knew he could get through it, as long as Phil was there. He regretted coming into his room. He was hurting Phil, who only had concern for him. That was one thing he could never do, hurt Phil. So he stood up and opened the door.


	4. Chapter 4 The kiss

**Chapter 4**

**The kiss **

Dan opened the door, and Phil stood up quickly, turning to face him. Dan's hair was messy, it looked like he had been running his hands through it. Phil couldn't think of what to say, it was the first time it actually hit him how… depressed Dan looked. His hair didn't look like its usual styled self, yet it wasn't his hobbit hair either. It was just messy. He had dark circles under his eyes, and he was more pale than usual. Phil didn't know what to say, so he threw himself into Dan's arms, and hugged him tight. He held him there for a minute, eyes screwed shut, and then he whispered into his ear "Whatever is making you sad, I'm sorry". He pulled away, and saw the single tear snaking its way past Dan's lips. His.. Why was this happening now? He needed to concentrate on Dan. He drew his eyes up to his friends again and said "Dan? Dan… please tell me" he was annoyed to hear his voice break. He had to keep it together, for Dan's sake. Dan whispered hoarsely "I doesn't matter" Phil's eyes widened and he replied seriously "Yes, it does". Dan sighed and said "There's nothing you can do Phil, I'm just… dealing with some stuff." Phil shook his head slightly and said " Then let me help you deal with them. Whats the problem?"

Dan looked into his eyes for a long time, savouring the view he hadn't had for a long time. His memory hadn't done Phil's eyes justice. They were so clear, bright and honest. A bit like Phil, really. Whats the problem? Him. Dan didn't know how he was going to get out of this, and he realised he didn't really want to. He wanted to tell Phil, he was sick of secrets. He was sick of lies. He was sick of wanting to hug feel tight and never let go, but not being able to. What was the point, he couldn't get out of it anyway. Phil knew there was something wrong; Dan obviously wasn't a good an actor as he thought he was. Good thing he hadn't chosen that career path.

Dan eventually spoke "You… I" and then he fell silent again. He couldn't think of a way to say it. He couldn't force the words out. He was so tired that he couldn't break down the walls he put up. Dan found himself in Phil's arms, and Phil was whispering to him "Me? I've done something?" he sounded hurt "What did I do? Tell me…. Dan, did I hurt you?" Dan still couldn't do it. He couldn't say it. Instead he tilted his head towards Phil's, and kissed him.


	5. Chapter 5: Seperate ways

**Chapter 5 **

**Separate ways **

It took Phil a moment to break through the warmth and realise what was happening. He was kissing his best friend. The shock made him pull away reflexively. Dan looked at the floor, seeming unsure of what he had just done. Phil couldn't see straight. There were too many thoughts going through his head, he needed to get away, he need to think things through. He murmured "I.. Um.. I'm going out, ok?" His blue eyes shot back up to Dan, who still seemed to be in shock. Phil quickly looked away again, and then he turned and walked out of the flat. He didn't have a coat, but he didn't feel the cold or the rain, he was too busy running through what had happened. Dan had kissed him. Phil thought, no knew, that he had kissed him back. He muttered some swear words under his breath, trying to think.

Dan slumped to the floor, his heart racing. He had just kissed Phil, and it had been wonderful, and terrible, and Phil had gone. He sat there as he thoughts became clearer. He was hurt, though he didn't know why. He knew Phil could never have felt the same way. As Dan thought, he cried. He cried because he had messed everything up, he had ruined the good in his life. He didn't see the point anymore. He didn't have a job, he didn't talk to his family much anymore. Why would they want a… a fag… for a son anyway. That's what he was, he realised, the lowest of the low. Even if he had to keep it a secret, his love for Phil had always felt pure, but that was probably because Phil was in it. Now he had removed himself, Dan could see clearly. He stood up and quickly moved towards the bathroom.

Phil wandered aimlessly around the town, sifting through the kiss, his reaction. He slowly came to the conclusion that he had enjoyed the kiss. It had made him happy, just like Dan always made him happy. He smiled just thinking about it. But how did he feel about Dan?

Dan was soon sat back on his bedroom floor, a pen and paper in one hand, a blade in the other. He smiled to himself slightly. A release, a end to all the confusion and sadness he had been feeling for so long. It was going to be like snuggling into a bed after a long tiring day. He quickly scribbled onto the paper, and then took a deep breath, moving the blade to his wrist.

Phil knew he cared about Dan, but how? As a friend… or as something more? He thought of how he had been so worried, about how he had been desperate to make his Dan happy. He thought about how he had left him, alone and confused. He was disgusted with himself, and in that he had his awnser. He was in love with his best friend. He turned and started running home.

Dan winced as the blade sliced across his wrist. It wasn't meant to hurt, was it? It was meant to be a release. He looked down at the cut. "Not deep enough" he muttered, and he moved the blade to his wrist again. He paused, thinking about how he was worthless. How no-one would ever want him. How Phil was so disgusted by him, he had left. He put pressure on the blade, and dragged it across his wrist again. This one was deep, and it gave him confidence as he continued.

Phil ran, his feet pounding the pavement, his hair wet from the rain. He felt like he was flying, he couldn't wait to get back and tell Dan. He couldn't wait to be in his arms. He knew they would be happy, and he couldn't stop the wild grin that had spread across his face.

Dan felt the weakness overcome him, and he dropped the blade, waiting. He didn't have to wait long. Soon, he felt like he was falling. There was no pain just blackness. He heard a thunk and knew his head had hit the floor. He smiled peacefully and pictured Phil's face in his head, happy that he would be the last thing he would see before he died. It was time for him and Phil to go their separate ways. Soon the picture faded until only the blue eyes remained.

Phil ran through the apartment to Dan's room and stopped outside the door, out of breath. He knocked quietly on the door, which was slightly ajar, and when there was no reply, he pushed it open. It was difficult to move, and he soon released why. Dan's leg was behind it, the rest of his body sprawled on the floor. It looked like he had gone to sleep, apart from the blood.


	6. Chapter 6: A waiting game

**Chapter 6**

**A waiting game **

Time seemed to slow down as Phil walked forward, taking it all in. He realised what had happened. He realised how it must have looked to Dan, Phil leaving after he kissed him. It wouldn't have looked like he was going away to think, it would have looked like someone who was running away. He thought Phil was disgusted. He thought Phil didn't love him back. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes. Dan was lying on the floor, his arms covered in blood. So much blood, it seemed like it was everywhere. It was starting to spread through the carpet, and Phil's eyes followed it. That's when he saw the piece of paper on the floor. He picked it up absentmindedly, and shoved it into his pocket, because suddenly, it all became real. His happy feeling had vanished and was replaced by pure, animalistic panic and terror. He reached into his pocket quickly, but couldn't find it. Damn! He had gone out without his phone. He didn't know where he had put it, and he had no idea where Dan's was. He dived out of Dan's room and dived for the landline. Before Phil knew what was going on, he was back in Dan's room, kneeling in the blood next to Dan. He was crying, heart wrenching sobs, and a voice on the other end of the phone was telling him to put pressure on the wounds. He did so, and his hands quickly became slippery with the blood. He gripped Dan's arm as hard as he could, and was suddenly reminded of touching his arm, trying to reassure him just this morning. Now here Dan was, in pain, near dying. This gave Phil strength. Dan needed him now, and Phil needed to be there for him. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He concentrated on Dan's faint breathing, and he felt a bit better. It didn't feel like Dan was gone anymore, he was just very far away. As long as he kept breathing, everything would be ok. He listened to the voice reassuring him that the ambulance would be there soon, that he was doing fine, and that Dan was going to be alright. She didn't know that though. She couldn't promise. Phil felt like that was what he needed, a promise. He felt like he was two years old again, and he just needed an adult to promise him that everything was going to be fine. He needed Dan to laugh at his silly worries, like he always did, and then hug him. His hugs always calmed him down. Now Dan needed him, and he was there. He heard the noise of an ambulance pulling up outside.


	7. Chapter 7: A long journey

**Chapter 7**

**A long journey **

Phil was sat in the back of an ambulance which was racing through the London traffic. Dan was lying on a stretcher next to him, and he looked worryingly pale. Phil was holding his hand tightly, hoping that in Dan's depth of unconsciousness he would still somehow know that he was there, that Dan wasn't alone. That he wouldn't ever be alone again if Phil could help it. Phil tilted his head back until it was leaning against the side of the ambulance. He smiled suddenly as he remembered another time he was in an ambulance with Dan, but that time, it had been Dan sat, holding Phil's hand. Phil had been bringing the Tesco delivery up the stairs, trying to show off by acting strong. One of the heavier bags had split, and Phil, like the clumsy idiot he was, slipped backwards. He had a slight concussion and a fracture on his leg. Dan had been so worried, scolding Phil like a mother, telling him how stupid he was and asking why he didn't ask Dan for help.

Phil remembered going on holiday with Dan, doing some cliff diving. Dan was brave enough to go off the top, and when he hit the water Phil's heart near enough stopped. Phil had tried convincing him not to do it, and Dan knew he was worried, so he decided to stay under the water as long as he could. Phil had dived in, panicking, thinking he was drowning, and Dan popped his head up. It was one of his favourite memories with Dan, even though he acted as though he was angry.

Him and Dan had been making pancakes, and after eating about 100 each, they had slumped on the sofa to edit the video. With a full stomach and a comfortable sofa, typically Dan fell asleep. Phil glanced over to him when he had finished editing the video, and Dan was leaning on him, his head on Phil's shoulder. Phil hadn't wanted to wake him, so he shut down the laptop and lowered it slowly and gently to the floor. He shifted his body slightly, so Dan's head was now in his lap, and Dan could lie down properly. Phil was content sitting there with Dan's head in his lap, stroking his hair. He did this until he too, fell asleep. Dan woke him up the next morning, a grin on his face and two cups of tea in his hands.

Phil felt as though he had been punched in the chest. He suddenly realised, he may never have any memories with Dan like those again. He might soon be living in an empty apartment. Slowly, Phil's mind returned to Dan's room, with him lying on the floor, covered in blood. He remembered picking up a piece of paper before the blood could touch it, and he reached into his pocket to see if it was still there. He removed it slowly, and unfolded it to see the two words written there.

Im sorry

Suddenly, the doors of the ambulance were thrown open, and the paramedics started preparing to remove Dan and take him into the hospital. Phil leant forward quickly, and squeezed Dan's hand. "Im sorry too. I love you" he whispered into his ear.


	8. Chapter 8: Release

**Chapter 8**

**Release **

Phil stared at Dan's face, looking for any movement to suggest a flicker of life. There was nothing, so he went back to studying the rise and fall of Dan's chest, the only sign that he was still here. His cuts had been stitched and his arms were wrapped up in clean white bandages. The doctors couldn't tell him what was keeping Dan asleep. He was physically fine. All they could tell him is that sometimes emotional wounds can take longer to heal. This was just going to be another waiting game. It had been a week now, a week since he had come back to find his best friend lying on his bedroom floor. Phil hadn't left his side. He refused to. He sat by Dan's bed during the day, and slept on a futon which he dragged next to Dan's hospital bed every night. He hadn't let go of his hand, he slept with Dan's hand clasped in his. Well, he didn't really sleep anymore. He couldn't, he had to be awake and ready to protect Dan, to make sure everything was ok.

He didn't know what to do, he was so packed with emotion. He was sad, scared, angry, worried. He wanted to laugh, to cry, to punch somebody. He had never felt like this before and he didn't know what to do. He heard a noise outside Dan's cubicle, a woman crying. It wasn't Dan's family; they were struggling to come up. They managed a call every day, but Phil had run out of things to tell them. The woman gasped through her sobs "I never got to say goodbye, I just wish I could have…have…" and that's when Phil realised what he wanted to do. He grabbed a pen and paper from the bedside draw, and began to write.

Dan felt so happy. He had no weight, he was floating. All he could see was him and Phil. Phil wearing his favourite T-shirt, him and Phil with cat whiskers, him and Phil baking, both of them rolling on the floor laughing. Dan asleep on Phil's shoulder. He was so happy, just re-living all the happy memories. He could hear noise in the background becoming clearer and louder. Beep, beep…

His eyes fluttered open


	9. Chapter 9: The letter

**Chapter 9**

**The letter **

Dan looked slowly around the room. He was in a hospital. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't feel ill, so he guessed he was better now. He felt a slight pressure on his hand, and he turned his head slightly. Phil was asleep, his head on Dan's bed, and their hands entwined. Dan smiled slightly, and then he saw his arms. He could see faint black stitched through the bandages which were spotted with red. Everything came flooding back, what had happened and what Dan had done to himself. Phil hated him, was disgusted with him. Phil couldn't stand to be near him. Dan looked at Phil again, looked at their hands. That wasn't right… Dan was filled with confusion. He was happy though. It was amazing how the smallest things made him happy these days, just Phil holding his hand. Phil waiting at the hospital for him to wake up, even if it didn't make any sense. Then Dan saw the letter that was under their hands, and he slid it out, trying not to wake Phil. It was handwritten, in an envelope that said simply on the front

Dan

He opened the envelope slowly, trying not to rip it. He drew out the piece of paper and unfolded it. There was a piece of paper covered in the smallest writing Dan had ever seen, but he automatically recognised it as Phil's. Dan took a deep breath and began to read

Dan,

I miss you. I wanted to say that right off. I miss you so much. I watch you breathe and I know your still here with me, but you feel so far away. I just want to be able to talk to you, to hug you, to tell you everything will be ok. To tell you that I would always, and will always protect you, even if it's from me. When you kissed me, I didn't leave because I was angry, or because I hated you. I left because I needed time and space to think.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows. What? Phil wasn't angry with him? He smiled slightly, and read on.

I needed to work through all of it. The emotions I had about the kiss, and the emotions I had even before that. I had been thinking about your for a while, I just wasn't sure why. I was worried about you, but it wasn't just that. It was something more. That's the second thing I want you to know. I love you.

Dan felt silent tears start to slip down his cheeks.

I love you, I love you, I love you. I'm determined to say it as much as I can, in case I don't have long left with you. As a friend and as something more. I want to make sure you know that. I don't want you to leave this place thinking you were all alone, because you weren't. I was here, and I will always be here. The doctors say your fine, and all I can think is that you would rather stay in your little world than come back here and be alone, but I hope you change your mind. I need you here, even for just a little while. I need to hug you and tell you all this myself, but I'm writing this in case I can't. Just in case. Maybe there's something after, and you can watch from there, safe from the pain I fear you've been feeling. Please do watch me Dan, because I'm dedicating the rest of my life to you.

Im going to try and make a difference. I'm going to try and raise awareness, and help people. Im going to try to reach out to people through the internet, the way you always did. You've made a difference to people's lives, and I want to do the same. I want people to know that self harm isn't a long term thing. It can sneak up on you suddenly, and all it takes is one time. You helped me realise that. I want to teach people to look for help, even if they don't think help is possible. I want to teach people that cutting yourself is never an awnser. I want to do you proud.

Don't worry, I won't let your channel die out either. I know how much it and your fans mean to you. I'll tell them everything, you would want them to know. I'll tell them that you love them, and that I love you. I'll tell them that although you were taken from us so quickly, it didn't mean you didn't care. You were just struggling, and I should have helped you earlier. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't. You don't need to be sorry for anything, all you did was feel. A ll you did was be honest to me. I just took too long to be honest back. Everything I do is for you now.

All of this may sound like I've given up, but I haven't. I refuse to. I am determined to not let you leave me, at least not without a fight. I will not lose you when it feels like I only just really found you. I just want you to be happy, and I want to help make you happy. I won't let go of your hand. I have some irrational fear that if I do that I will lose you forever, and I don't want to go it alone.

Im proud to say I am in love with you.

Phil

Dan burst into a huge smile, tears still running down his cheeks. Everything was ok. Phil was his, and that was all he had ever wanted. He suddenly felt stupid. What had he been thinking, doing that to himself? He always lived trying not to hurt Phil, but didn't he realise that doing that would hurt him the most? He was stupid. Phil hadn't said it in the letter, Phil didn't blame him. He understood. But he should blame him. He hurt Phil, and that was unforgivable. He tried not to think about, although he knew he would have to apologise to Phil. Apologise. Fat lot of good that would do. He settled his head back into his pillow and started tracing patterns on the back of Phil's hand.


	10. Chapter 10: Phils voice

**Chapter 10**

**Phil's voice**

Phil opened his eyes, yawning. He glanced and him and Dan's hands, and saw that Dan was tracing shapes on his hand. He chuckled slightly at the tickling feeling. His memory of the night before was fuzzy, he guessed him and Dan must have fallen asleep on the sofa again. He smiled contentedly, feeling happy. Then he heard the noises of machines, people walking down corridors. It crashed down on him, the wall of darkness. There was a pin prick of light however, Dan was awake. Phil lifted his head suddenly, and Dan jumped slightly. Dan smiled at him nervously and said "You're awake". Phil spluttered, still slightly in shock. "You're awake! You've been out for…" he glanced at the calendar "10 days! I was so worried you twat!" he exclaimed before running forward and crushing him in a hug. Dan laughed slightly and said "Erm, Phil, my arms!" Phil let go quickly before saying "Why? Why didn't you wait for me to come back? Even if I hadn't liked you in that way, I still would have been your friend. Why would you do that to yourself?" Dan stayed silent for a moment, wanting to awnser truthfully. Finally he said quietly "I didn't think that you would want to be my friend anymore. I thought you would hate me. I guess I didn't see the point in… well anything, without you." Phil sighed and said more calmly "Why would I have cared Dan? When have I ever come across as caring about your sexuality, or who you like? There's nothing wrong with it" Dan looked at his lap and said "You didn't… I just thought… I don't know. I didn't think I guess" Phil snorted "That's obvious. Just…. Just don't do that again ok? If something's upsetting you at all, tell me. We can work through it together. And never, ever not talk to me, I don't want to feel like I have been ever again." Dan smiled and said weakly "I promise." As he took Phil's hand back into his own. They sat there for a few moments in silence, just enjoying being together in a way they hadn't been in a long time. Eventually Dan asked timidly "Phil?" Phil squeezed his hand and said and "Yeah Dan?" Dan swallowed and said "The stuff in the letter… Did you really mean it?" Phil sat there for a moment, and before Dan could do anything, Phil was kissing him. It was a long, sweet and sorrowful kiss, an exchange of all the feelings they had both experienced in the last couple of days. Phil finally pulled away and they both smiled. "Did that awnser your question?" Phil asked and Dan replied, smiling cheekily "A little" and the leant forward for another kiss.


	11. Chapter 11: Coming out

**Chapter 11 **

**Coming out **

A few weeks had passed, and somehow Dan and Phil and both managed to keep what had happened under wraps without outwardly lying. Dan had told his family that he and Phil had been having a few issues, and he over reacted. They didn't really believe, but they decided to give Dan some space, as long as he promised to tell them if he ever got close to that again. It wasn't that Dan and Phil weren't happy or proud, they just wanted to give themselves some time to settle down. They wanted to come out when they were comfortable and ready, not when they were under pressure. The last few weeks had been bliss. They lounged around, uploaded videos, and just stayed with each other. They had decided however, that it was time. They couldn't keep lying to their family and friends, and it felt horrible to fake in front of their fans. Many times they had been approached in the streets and had to spring apart, act normal, and they just couldn't do it anymore. They had decided to tell their parents first. They didn't really think they would appreciate hearing about it from a YouTube video. Dan went first, and as he dialled their number, Phil noticed he was shaking. He gave him a quick kiss on the forehead and sat down next to him, holding his hand. "Hi mum" Dan stuttered. Dan had still been having a few issues with his self esteem, and Phil was helping. Dan felt as though everyone was staring at him and his arms, which would be permanently scarred. He felt like people were judging him, even if they didn't know. He had started to draw into himself about a week after he came out of the hospital. He became quiet and didn't want to go out. He kept true to his promise though, and told Phil, who always tried to reassure him. He was beautiful, and anyone who didn't agree wasn't worth his time. They had been leaving the house one hot day and Dab had put on a long sleeve T-shirt. Phil made him change, saying he needed to get back to his tanned self. Dan laughed, and when he came back out in a short sleeved shirt, Phil gently kissed each of his scars before taking his hand and leading him out of the apartment. Phil could see Dan starting to draw back into himself on the phone, and smiled at him. He mouthed "Do you want me to do it?" Dan looked pleadingly at him for a moment, but then shook his head resolutely. "Erm, mum? I've got something to tell you" There was a pause and then he took a deep breath, looking sure. As he opened his mouth however, panic took over again, and all he managed to say was "I'm dating." Phil heard Dan's mum's voice on the other end of the phone, it sounded like she was asking a question. Phil looked Dan right in the eye and nodded reassuringly. Dan sighed and said quickly "It'sphil". He took another deep breath while his mum spoke and said "I said I'm dating Phil mum. I have been for a few weeks." His mum asked him another question and Dan replied "Yes, that's why. I had been keeping it a secret for a while and then I k… something happened and I thought he hated me and I didn't know how to cope" he let it all out in one big rush of words. He sat there listening to his mum for a long time, and then passed the phone to Phil without saying anything. "Erm, hi Ms Howell" "Hi Phil, is Dan ok?" Phil sighed in relief. She didn't sound angry "Yes, I'm taking good care of him. He has moments some times, but he's coping well." She thought for a moment and the asked "Do you think him telling me will help? If it was going to make him worse I would rather he kept it a secret." Phil smiled slightly. She was just worried about her son. "No, I think this will help. It must be a huge weight off his shoulder having you know. I think he's just in a bit of shock. What did you say to him?" She laughed "I told him finally. He'd been single for much too long." Phil laughed too and then she said "Do your parents know?" He replied "That's the next call." She sighed "Ok. I'll let you go then. Phil?" Phil replied happily "Yes?" "Tell him I love him. Tell him its fine, as long as he's happy." Phil replied "I will".

Soon Dan was happy again, although it took a lot of reassurance from Phil. Now it was his turn, but he wasn't worried. He was pretty sure his mum wouldn't care, in fact he wanted to make this funny for Dan. After quickly planning what they were going to say, Phil dialled the number. "Hey mum" Phil said, and before she could reply he quickly continued with "Hey, I was wondering if I'm still grounded from the smoking thing when I was little?" She laughed and replied "Yes, forever. Why?" Phil smiled "Oh, Dan was just wondering if you could lift it for one night… so he could take me on a date!" His mother squealed down the phone "Oh really Phil?" He laughed "So cans he?" "Of course!" She spluttered. Phil passed the phone to Dan who said "I promise to have him back by 10". He listened to Phil's mum for a moment before saying good bye and hanging up the phone. When he had hung up, he burst into laughter. Phil groaned slightly and said "Oh no. What did she say to you?" Dan calmed down after a minute and managed to say "She told me that when she visits she better not hear any strange noises coming from your room!"

Soon they were both rolling on the floor laughing, and Dan ended on top of Phil. Phil managed to stop laughing long enough to say "Hey Dan, do you still wanna do my mum?" before Dan's lips were covering his.

The next stage had to wait for a few days, until the Saturday. One of their friends was throwing a party, and Dan and Phil had decided to go together, and see how long it took people to notice. They finished getting ready and climbed into Dan's car. They were wearing matching cat whiskers, and when they pulled up outside, Phil gave Dan a quick kiss before saying worriedly "Ready?" Dan nodded, smiling. Phil laughed slightly, Dan's whiskers had smudged, and he was sure his had too. They would probably be completely gone by the end of the night. Dan got out of the car and came round to Phil's side to help him out. They entwined their hands, and let themselves in. The party was already in full swing, but when their friend walked over, it didn't take long for him to notice the hands. He walked over and said "Hey Da- wait." He just looked at them for a moment and shrugged his shoulders saying "Hey Phan." Which made them laugh. Soon everyone was looking at them, and somebody started clapping. Soon everyone was doing it, and one by one they all started chanting "Phan is real, Phan is real!" Dan and Phil were laughing so hard that they didn't notice there friend come back behind them until he yelled "Now…. KISS!" Which they did.

They were at the last hurdle, and Dan seemed a lot happier than usual. Phil was worried about him suddenly stressing out, but he seemed fine. Today was the day they had planned to shoot the video, and the night before they had fallen asleep on the sofa, something they did quiet often now. Phil slowly removed his arm from around Dan, and started making pancakes. He wanted to make this day as special as he could, so he wanted to cook Dan some of his favourite food. When he had finished he went back into the living room with the plate and a wrapped present. Dan was already awake, and he was sat up on the sofa. This surprised Phil. Normally if Dan woke up and he wasn't there he would panic, thinking Phil had left him. No matter how many times Phil told him he wouldn't leave, Dan still didn't like waking up without him. Phil smiled slightly, Dan seemed to be getting better. He hoped today would help, and not make things worse. "Hey" he called out softly. Dan turned around and smiled "Hey. Ohhhh pancakes! Yum!" Phil sat next to him, handing him the plate and putting the box in front of him. "Hey, whats the occasion?" Dan asked "Nothing" Phil laughed "I just wanted to give you something" Dan suddenly looked crestfallen "I didn't get you anything" he said. Phil smiled again and said "I don't want anything. I've got you, and that's all I want" Dan interrupted, laughing "Coooorny!" Phil laughed and said "I am corny, it's how romance should be. Anyway" he continued before Dan could interrupt again "It's not anything big". Dan sighed and opened it, a smile quickly spreading across his face "Malteasers!" he yelled happily, before springing into Phil's arms. "My second favourite ship" laughed Phil. "Gotta love some danteasers" said Dan, smiling.

Soon Dan had eaten his pancakes and they were both washed and dressed. Phil went into his bedroom to look for his phone, and when he came back, the camera was all set up. Phil's eyebrows rose slightly as he came over and sat next to Dan in front of it. "Dan, the web show isn't scheduled to start for another hour" Dan smiled at him and said "I know, I just didn't want to be late. They had both tweeted the day before that they were doing a surprise web show and that they had a big announcement, and everyone seemed really excited, especially Dan. Phil snaked his arm around Dan's waist and Dan put his head on his shoulder. They both sat like that for a long time, just thinking. Eventually Phil asked "Are you sure you're ready Dan? Once we announce it on the internet there is no going back" Dan kissed Phil gently on the shoulder before saying "Yeah. I want to do this. I need to; it's the only way it's going to feel real to me." Phil laughed and hugged Dan to him tighter, whispering "Glad to see it's not only me who feels like this is a dream."

Soon the hour was up, and Dan and Phil switched the camera on. They were holding hands out of the cameras frame of vision. Phil kept looking at Dan out of the corner of his eye, looking for any signs of nervousness, but there were none. Dan seemed utterly confident for once, and Phil relaxed. It was time for the web show to start. "Hey internet" they said together. "Hi guys, everything's good here, not much to report really. We've been to Starbucks a few times…" Dan shut his eyes and went "mmmm, Starbucksssss". Phil laughed and said "But apart from that, not much." They carried on talking with their fans, and played a game or two. After 25 minutes, they not it was time to bring the web show to an end. "Well, guys. Looks like we'll have to say goodbye soon. But we did promise you an announcement" said Phil. Dan's smile grew even wider and said "One thing has happened to us recently that we didn't tell you." Phil could image the gasps around the world, and his smile grew wider "Our family and friends have had a bit of a shock recently, although they've coped very well." Phil waved and said "Thanks for that guys" and Dan laughed before continuing "Were going to let you guys in on the secret. We hope you cope with it well, and were sure some of you are going to be adjskflking." As he said it, Phil and him lifted up their entwined hands. "Me and Phil are dating!" Phil laughed, imaging their fans faces, their outrage that they kept it from them throughout the whole show. "Phan is real!" he cheered and they both turned to face each other. They leaned in, and right before their lips met, Dan turned to the camera and switched it off with a chuckle. "You are an Evil boy, Dan" Phil laughed, before kissing him.


	12. Chapter 12: Negetivity

**Chapter 12 **

**Negativity **

Phil walked into the living room barefoot, wondering where Dan was. He woke up this morning and he wasn't asleep next to him as usual. Phil worried less now, Dan had been coping well, but he still didn't like waking up on his own. Not because he was worried about Dan, but because he was lonely. He found Dan on his laptop in the living room, and he gave him a quick peck on the top of the head. "Fancy a coffee?" he asked. "Hmmmmm… What, oh yeah thanks" Dan replied, distracted. Phil padded into the kitchen, waiting for Dan to remember his promise, waiting for him to tell him. He finished making the coffee and walked back into the living room, handing Dan his. He sat on the floor in front of the sofa, leaning on Dan's legs for support. He was boiling, and he glanced up at Dan to ask him if he wanted him to open a window, when he noticed Dan rubbing his arms. Phil knew something was up. Ever since the incident, Phil had noticed that when he was upset or agitated, he would rub his scars. Phil had asked him about it once, worried that it was to cause himself pain. Phil would let Dan work through his emotions in any way he wanted. He would listen to him talk, he could paint, he could write, he could trash the apartment for all Phil cared, he just couldn't let him cause himself pain. Dan had reassured him though, saying it was just something he did. He didn't even realise he was doing it. Phil reached up and gently pulled Dan's hand away from his arm to stop him. Dan looked down and smiled at him sadly before saying "Sorry, I'm moping aren't I? What do you want to do?" Phil sighed "Whatever you want" he said, looking straight ahead, waiting. Dan spoke again quietly, sounding sad "I don't want to argue Phil, please? Let's do something. Whatever you want." Phil looked back up at him, trying to stay calm and said "I don't want to argue either Dan, but I don't want to pretend everything's fine either. Wasn't pretending what kept you from me for so long in the first place? I want you to tell me whats wrong". Dan sighed and said "I'm fine ok, I'm just being silly." Phil was hurt that Dan even thought he would give up that easily. "Don't you even try that with me. You're not fine, and whatever's upsetting you isn't silly. If it hurts you, it's serious, whatever it is. Dan, you promised me" It was the reminder of his promise that made Dan tell him. He patted the seat next to him and Phil climbed into it. Dan took a deep breath and turned his laptop to face Phil while saying "I told you it was silly" Phil looked at it. It was another negative YouTube comment. They'd been getting many, and none of them really bothered them. Dan laughed most of them off, and he promised Phil they weren't upsetting him. He didn't lie. It was just this one comment. It affected him because it was so similar to what he had thought to himself when he tried to escape.

Fag

Phil closed the laptop, and studied Dan's face carefully. He took his hand and whispered "Tell me". Dan sighed before saying "It's just… that's what I used to call myself… when I was pretending. I convinced myself that being in love with you was bad… that nobody would love me if I was… a fag. It's one of the things I was thinking about when I… when I…" He didn't need to finish the sentence. Phil pulled him to his chest and slowly rocked him backwards and forwards, waiting for Dan's sadness to pass. "It's ok" he whispered over and over as Dan slumped exhaustedly into him. "I'm so tired Phil" Dan said. Phil carried on whispering into his hair "Your amazing. Don't listen to them. They are wrong and you were wrong, ok? There's nothing bad about this" he said, kissing his forehead. "This is sweet and pure, just like you. It's just a word. I love you, and that's all that matters ok? These idiots can't hurt you. They can't take you back there" Dan pulled away smiling. "I'm fine now Phil, really." Phil smiled "Promise?" "Promise."


	13. Chapter 13: The future

**Chapter 13 **

**The future **

Dan woke up and wandered into the living room sleepily. He saw Phil sat on the phone, paper spread around him, making notes on whatever the person on the other end of the phone was saying. Dan shook his head, bemused, and went into the kitchen. He found a cheese toastie waiting for him and smiled. Phil hated cheese at yet he still made it for Dan. He heard Phil say goodbye and hang up the phone as he walked back into the living room. He slumped down next to him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before saying "Thanks" and gesturing to the toastie "What are you doing then?" Phil smiled at him and said "You kept your promise so I'm keeping mine. I'm still dedicating the rest of my life to you" Dan laughed and said jokingly "Very gentlemanly. Are you sure your not trying to get another kiss?" Phil winked and said cheekily "No, I'm serious. I wouldn't mind another kiss though."

When they pulled apart Phil was breathless, and Dan laughed. "So who were you on the phone to?" Phil looked at him for a minute before saying "A local secondry school, I'm going to give a talk there." Dan laughed "They'll be all over you" He put on a sqeaky voice and said "Amazing Phil! Amazing Phil!" Phil laughed to and said "Unless your there my mind will be nowhere near those sorts of thoughts." Dan thought for a moment and said "Do you want me to come?" Phil looked at him and said "Do you want to? I mean…" Dan sighed and said "Philly, I promise you, I'm fine. A bunch of teenagers yelling insults at me isn't going to send me back into myself ok? I realised a while ago that this was real, and I'm not going to let you get away, so I'm fine. Plus you'll be there." Phil swallowed and said "There not going to yell at you." Dan raised his eyebrows slightly and said "Do you remember secondary school?" Phil chuckled slightly and said "Well, they'll be shouting at both of us. Sure, you can come. I'm visiting next week, on Friday. I'm going to talk about self-harm and how some actions can be misunderstood. People need to be careful what they say and do." Dan pulled Phil in for a bone crushing hug and said "It wasn't your fault, ok? Never think that. I should have waited." Phil sighed and said "It wasn't your fault either Dan" Dan smiled and released Phil from the hug.

"I love you"

"I love you too"


End file.
